What To Do About Decreased Libido

Have you noticed a decrease in your libido (commonly referred to as sex drive)? 

• You’re less interested in sex than you used to be

• You and your partner used to be more closely matched in how frequently you wanted sex, and now you seem much further apart.

• It’s harder to get in the mood for sex

It’s important to note that there is no “right” amount of libido or sex drive. Some people don’t experience desire at all, some people have a very high libido, and some people are in between. This blog is specifically geared toward people who are interested in increasing their desire for sex.

Factors Impacting Libido

Libido, or the desire for sex / sexual intimacy is actually a very complex phenomena that is affected by many different factors. Some of the many factors that can impact libido:

1. Stress

• Job

• Financial

• Family

• Minority stress / marginalization

• Climate

2. Physical 

• Changing hormones

• Genital or urinary infections

• Pain during sex

• Difficulty maintaining an erection

• Lack of lubrication

• Medication side effects

• Disability

• On the asexuality spectrum

3. Relationship changes

• Decreased intimacy

• Increased conflict

• Sense of boredom / familiarity

• Lack of emotional or physical safety

4. Emotional / mental health

• Increased depression or anxiety

• Discomfort with body

• Difficulty being present

• Sexual trauma

• Other trauma

• Fear of unwanted pregnancy

• Fertility challenges 

5. Setting / Context

• Lack of privacy

• Not enough time

• House a mess

• Music too loud / too soft

6. Changes in Touch Needs

• Being “touched out” as a parent of young children

And more! 

Exercise: Freewrite

Get a pen and paper (you can type too, but writing by hand is especially helpful in this type of exercise). Set a timer for 2 minutes, and write down anything that you think may be impacting your libido. Use the list above as a prompt - it’s fine to just copy. But also be as specific as you can, and include anything that you think is relevant, no matter how big or small. Feel free to go longer than 2 minutes, but try to write for at least 2 minutes.

Now, review your list. Are there things on your list that you can address on your own? With your partner? Perhaps you are recognizing that a lot on your list has to do with physical health. Scheduling an appointment with a primary care provider or ob/gyn might be a crucial first step for you. Maybe you notice that a lot falls into the category of your relationship with your partner. Perhaps talking to your partner about your concerns and/or seeking couples therapy is a first step. The bottom line is that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to addressing decreased libido - you need to address the specific factors impacting your libido.

Strategies to Increase Desire

Depending on what you identified as your challenges, here is a non-exhaustive list of things that may help increase desire, that you could do today: 

• Have sex with yourself! The research tells us that typically if you are having more sex, you’re more likely to want sex. Sex with yourself, aka masturbation, can be a great way to increase desire, as well as reconnect with your own sexuality.

• Read or watch erotica. Many people (women in particular) find that reading erotica can be a great way of stoking desire and building arousal. 

• Exercise. Whatever type of exercise you enjoy or feel motivated to do. We all know that exercise is good for us for many reasons, but you may not know that it can increase libido.

If decreased desire is causing you significant distress or seriously impacting your relationship, the therapists at Colorado Therapy Collective can help. Schedule a complimentary consultation today to get matched with one of our skilled and caring therapists.