How to Talk About Money With Your Partner Without Starting a Fight

Navigating Tough Conversations without Losing Connection

It’s a new month, and the bills keep rolling in. You’re combing through your bank account logging every penny that’s coming and going. Or maybe you’re so overwhelmed you’re avoiding your account like the plague. You might be tirelessly tracking – thinking about the mortgage, the car, your medical bills, your loan payments – and from your perspective, your partner seems to be in their own world, not paying any mind to the growing rift that finances are creating between you. It’s starting to feel like they don’t care and you might be on your own, so you throw your hands up. It’s finally time to have that conversation. 

Talking about money with our partners comes up against some of our most core values: trust, stability, and reliability. This can make conversations seem dire, emotionally heavy, and tense. Especially when it doesn’t feel like you’re on the same page with each other, even bringing up the subject can feel like a huge risk to your sense of safety in the relationship. Financial talks can feel like the ultimate threat to connection. 

So how do you bring this and other tough conversations up without it erupting into a fight? 

Identify Your Triggers

It’s not uncommon for loving couples to get stuck in a conflict cycle, where they are both triggered and interacting in ways that are unhelpful, unproductive, and sometimes hurtful. There can be something our partner says or does that pushes up against a sore spot, so to protect ourselves, we may lash out or turn away. And the more we turn to our protective tendencies, the more our partner does the same. This creates more disconnection, and the negative cycle continues to spiral from there. Part of approaching money conversations without it leading to a fight is by identifying what your negative cycle looks like around money. 

Start to examine your automatic responses when it comes to the topic. Are you someone who, at the first sight of a financial chat, turns and runs for the hills? Maybe you feel guilty, ashamed, or insecure, and it becomes so overwhelming you shut down and go silent. It seems easier to say nothing at all than risk being too vulnerable or starting a conflict. Or are you someone on the opposite end of the spectrum? When the topic comes up, you feel stress, fear, or anxiety, so you really lean in, sometimes even pushing your partner to have the conversation and not giving it up until it can be addressed together. You think you should get the conversation over with and get everything managed to avoid a potential terrible outcome. 

Wherever you sit on the spectrum, notice what triggers you so you can begin to bring awareness to your reactions, that way you can explore what feelings are stirring underneath. 

Explore the Emotional Undercurrents

When you start to understand the feelings behind the responses, you can begin shifting from defensiveness to vulnerability. We all have underlying needs, longings, and desires that we want our partner to understand. Usually when we react defensively, it’s because we want to get that need met, but we aren’t quite sure how. That’s where exploring emotions can help. When we examine what triggers us, we can start to get real about what’s really going on beneath the surface. Then, we can get vulnerable. 

Instead of, “You never want to talk about money, you just put up a wall – it’s like you don’t even care!” You might be able to say, “I notice you shut down sometimes when we talk about money. That can make me feel scared because I’m worried you don’t really care.” See the difference? 

Vulnerability allows us to talk about our deeper needs, like wanting to feel supported when it comes to important conversations, instead of possibly coming across as attacking and leaving our partners hurt or triggered. This gives our partner an opportunity to see us and meet us where we’re at. They have the opportunity to offer validation, compassion, and deeper understanding of our experience. In turn, we can offer our partners the same when they share vulnerably, too. 

It’s important to remember that you’re collaborating instead of competing. You’re on the same team, so it’s about learning to work with each other's strengths by sharing what’s really going on for you.

Schedule It, Don’t Spring It

When it comes to big conversations, it’s important to remember that timing matters! Sometimes, springing a conversation as big as money can activate our partner’s defenses, and lead us right back into our negative cycle. 

You might bring it up right away because it feels urgent. But consider your partner’s perspective, too. If they’re already feeling overwhelmed about their week, stressed about everything they’ve had to do today, or otherwise not in a place where they can receive the conversation, it can feel bad for you both. 

See if there’s a time both of you can sit down in the future to talk. Make sure you have enough time to plan ahead so you can create shared goals, mentally prepare for the conversation, and meet your scheduling needs. Some relationship experts suggest setting a time you meet regularly to check in and discuss this and other important subjects so you can stay on the same page before things become an issue. Multiamory, a nonmonogamous relationship advice podcast, suggests the RADAR model: Review, Agree on the agenda, Discuss, Action points, and Reconnect. 

Regularly chatting to stay on the same page is a great way to cultivate trust, intimacy, and safety, so whenever these conversations do come up, they don’t need to feel so scary. 

Reach Out for Support When Needed

Money talks can be an opportunity to come closer together instead of driving a wedge between you. Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy can help support shared vulnerability in your relationship, and help you lean in during tough conversations. It reminds us to slow down and ask, “What’s really going on underneath this? What do I need to feel safe and supported right now—and how can I offer that to my partner too?”

Learning what triggers us and how to communicate more vulnerably can be really difficult work. If you find that you need more support through the process, our team of experienced Emotionally Focused Couples Therapists are here to answer your questions and help you approach these conversations with more ease. 

Don’t hesitate to reach out today and schedule a consultation with our intake team if you want to learn more about how our therapists can help you better your relationship and alter how these conversations tend to go.