Love Languages vs. Attachment Needs: What Really Helps You Feel Close?
When We Don’t Speak the Same Love Language
By now we’re all too familiar with Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages, and we can probably all name at least one or two that resonate with us. Many couples want each other to know the ways they want to give and receive love, and it can often be framed in this popular language.
But what are we really talking about when we talk about love languages?
At Colorado Therapy Collective, we practice Emotionally Focused Therapy, and zoom in on the feelings, fears, and needs underneath the surface of how we show up in our relationships. And there are a lot of times when love languages don’t really get to the heart of what’s driving those needs in the first place.
Have you ever tried to show love the “right” way—yet still felt emotionally distant? Sometimes we can check all the “right” boxes on paper, but still feel so disconnected in our relationships. When love languages aren’t enough, let’s start talking about what really brings us closer to our partners.
What Works About Love Languages
According to his 1992 book, Chapman defines the five love languages as:
Physical Touch
Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
Gifts
Quality Time
This framework can be a great place to start. When you begin to understand the ways you feel loved and cherished and the ways you show your love, it can be so helpful for starting these conversations with your partner.
This model also sets us up to better understand the relationship between giving and receiving love in our relationships. It’s not just about how I want to be loved, but also how I want to show my partner that I love.
Overall, they can help us name what’s important to us. And that’s a great thing to do!
But Are Love Languages Enough?
While love languages can sometimes be a helpful tool for starting a conversation, they may not really address what lies even deeper: our attachment needs. So knowing you appreciate acts of service and physical touch might not answer the question of why your partner feels miles away even when they’re right beside you.
It’s also important to note that the model of the five love languages is not evidence-based and has no research to support it. It’s possible that, while it can be a door to going a little deeper, this model still risks oversimplifying our sometimes pretty complex emotional needs.
Beyond Behavior: What Attachment Science Tells Us About Closeness
Dr. Sue Johnson spearheaded what’s known as Emotionally Focused Therapy precisely to take us deeper. Dr. Johnson believed it’s not just about what you tend to do, but why you do it, and what you’re longing for. A robust body of research supports the idea that what drives our relationships is a longing for emotional safety, attunement, and connection.
Consider what it is that really makes you feel connected to your loved ones. You might recall brief, tender moments where they rub your shoulders as they pass by during a busy day working from home. Or that time when you got terrible news and they comforted you when you cried, assuring you, “I’m with you.” Maybe you remember a moment when you raised your voice in anger, and your partner met you with curiosity and understanding instead of judgment and reactivity.
There is power in emotional responsiveness that goes beyond rote gestures. We need assurance that our partner is reliable, loves us for who we are, and isn’t going to go away. These attachment needs can be met when we share with our partners what we are truly feeling, and when we tune in to our partners’ emotions when they share.
So, What Actually Builds Emotional Closeness?
Ask yourself this question: “What do I need to feel emotionally safe?”
It’s not just about finding the right things to say or checking off a list of the right things to do. Emotional closeness isn’t about performance—it’s about presence. When your partner leans in and shares their heart, lean in too. These feelings might be scary and uncomfortable to share and listen to, but being able to be heard and received by our partners can bring us even closer.
Love Is a Felt Sense, Not Just a Language
Let love languages start the conversation as a great way in. You can begin exploring how you and your partner feel the most loved. Take it a step further by exploring the fears and longings you might have that fuel your love languages.
What is it about quality time that’s meaningful to you? What does physical touch let you know about how your partner feels about you? When your partner goes out of their way for an act of service, what do you take that to mean about them? About you?
These questions can take your conversations even deeper and bring you closer than just knowing your love languages.
And you don’t have to do it alone. Our team of trained Emotionally Focused Couples Therapists are here to support you and your partner in exploring these conversations together. When you feel stuck, you’re experiencing the same patterns over and over and you just want out, couples therapy may be for you.
Check out our Couples Therapy specialty page to learn more about our approach and our excellent Denver-based couples therapists and reach out today to get started.