When Mother's Day Hurts – Honoring the Grief of Complex Mother-Child Relationships: Part I
Navigating Mother’s Day When It’s Complicated
As an EFT therapist, I know that few wounds run as deep as those formed in our earliest attachment relationships. One of the most powerful—and sometimes painful—of those is the one we have with our mothers. As Mother’s Day approaches, those whose maternal relationships are nurturing often find this time to be joyful and sentimental. But for many others, it’s a day marked by grief, anger, ambivalence, or even silence. If you’re someone who experiences Mother’s Day with dread, confusion, or emotional weight, this 2-part blog is for you!
The Cultural Ideal of Motherhood vs. Lived Experience
We are constantly fed the image of the “ideal mother”: ever-giving, loving, patient, and selfless. Advertisements, social media posts, and store displays reinforce the message that this is a time to shower your mother with appreciation, gifts, and time. But what if your relationship with your mother doesn’t reflect that ideal? What if it’s fraught, estranged, or nonexistent?
These messages can feel like salt in a wound. For adult children of immature, emotionally unavailable, narcissistic, or unsafe mothers, Mother’s Day becomes less of a celebration and more of a trigger. This day can be a reminder of what never was or what was lost; and perhaps most painfully, a reminder of what may never be.
In EFT, we understand that these early attachment wounds shape how we show up in our adult relationships, be that with ourselves or others. When you’ve spent your childhood trying to earn love, manage a parent’s emotions, or avoid triggering their rage or neglect, it’s common to carry shame, anxiety, or people-pleasing tendencies into adulthood.
The History Behind the Holiday
Interestingly, the modern version of Mother’s Day in the U.S. wasn’t originally meant to be a commercial holiday. It was created in the early 1900s by Anna Jarvis to honor her own mother’s legacy of community care and peace activism. She envisioned the day as one of quiet reflection on maternal sacrifices. Ironically, Jarvis herself came to resent what the holiday became. She protested its commercialization and spent the rest of her life trying to reclaim its meaning. So if you’re feeling alienated or frustrated by the corporate nature of this holiday, even the founder would likely understand.
When Love Requires Distance
For those who have chosen to go “no contact” with their mothers, know this: it is okay to love someone from a distance. Many people assume estrangement is the result of impulsiveness, selfishness, or lack of love. But more often than not, it’s a decision made after years of effort, pain, and failed attempts at repair. In EFT and attachment work, we validate that humans are wired for connection, but also that safety and trust are prerequisites for closeness and a secure attachment. If you were consistently hurt, neglected, or devalued by your mother, you may have come to the heartbreaking conclusion that staying in contact was harming you more than helping you.
This doesn’t mean you love her any less. It doesn’t make you cold, heartless, or ungrateful; it means you’ve learned to love with boundaries. You’ve made a decision rooted in self-protection, not punishment. And like many hard choices, this one can be a double-edged sword—it may bring a sense of peace, while also carrying the weight of grief. You may find yourself mourning the relationship you wish you could have had. That pain is real, valid, and deeply human.
Coming Up in Part 2: Navigating Social Pressure and Protecting Your Peace
In the next part of this blog, we’ll explore the added pressure that comes from well-meaning family, friends, and society, and how to respond to the guilt-inducing comments often lobbed at adult children of complicated mothers. We’ll also cover EFT-informed coping strategies to help you move through Mother’s Day with greater clarity and self-compassion.
