Sharing the Mental Load in Relationship
At CTC we see many couples whose relationships are strained by conflict over the sharing of household work. They struggle to agree on how much each of them are doing, and how to balance work outside the home with work inside the home. When these issues are not addressed in a way that makes both partners feel valued and heard, it can create distance and resentment over time.
One of the hardest types of work in a household to quantify or “see,” is what researchers often call mental load, emotional labor, or cognitive labor.
What is mental load?
Mental load refers to the hidden, often unnoticed tasks that make a household run. It includes things like tracking the family calendar, making sure that uniforms are clean for sports games, remembering birthdays, coordinating carpools, and keeping track of dietary preferences.
As researcher Kate Mangino says, cognitive laborers are constantly running mental To-Do lists through their minds.
The research is clear that in most heterosexual relationships, women take on a greater share of the mental load than do men. This is likely due to a combination of factors, including social conditioning, and the fact that men tend to have greater earning power outside the home, which reinforces a gendered division of labor within the home. It’s important to note that there is no evidence that supports a biological basis for women being “better multi-taskers.” This phenomenon of women carrying more of the mental load is a product of culture, not biology.
How Can Couples Better Share Mental Load?
Step 1: Take an inventory of all household tasks including mental load tasks.
While this may seem like a daunting step, it’s an important foundation for future conversations, because it helps both partners to have a shared understanding of all of the household tasks. It helps to make visible those tasks that are often invisible. The Fairplay System can be a helpful tool help with this, as it includes a very exhaustive list of tasks that apply to most households. This way you don’t need to generate a list for your household from scratch - you can go through the Fair Play list and sort out those that apply to your household from those that do not.
Reflect Alone and then Together:
What was the experience of naming the household tasks like for me?
Were there any tasks that surprised me or that I hadn’t realized my partner was taking on?
Next Blog Post:
Defining Ownership: The Key to Sharing the Mental Load. If you’ve tried before to shift some of the mental load or household tasks and failed, chances are that you were missing a key ingredient: defining and then assigning ownership of a given task. The next post in this series will teach you about CPE, or Conception, Planning, and Execution, the three phases involved in truly owning a task.