Parenting Differences: How Couples Can Get on the Same Page
How to Transform Parenting Conflicts into Opportunities for Deeper Partnership
No matter how many books you read or advice you receive, there's no doubt that having a child will change your life and your relationship in ways you don't expect. The good news is that this era offers a unique opportunity to learn about your partner on a deeper, more intimate level. Often, at the root of our parenting approaches—and at the heart of our conflicts about parenting—lies attachment. Our own attachment histories shape how we respond to our children and to each other during challenging parenting moments.
How Parenting Differences Impact Your Attachment Dance
Your attachment dance describes the patterns of communication, emotions, and actions we take to cope with disconnection from our partner. It's important to recognize and normalize that parenting brings seasons of added stress. When we're sleep-deprived and exhausted, small differences can escalate more quickly and create deeper disconnect.
At the core of parenting conflict is disconnect around the important values partners are trying to instill in their child, making the stakes feel that much higher. Yet despite a shared commitment to good parenting, couples may find themselves feeling increasingly disconnected. One partner may speak up or criticize the other for using a specific tone with their kids, causing the other to shut down and speak up less. In these moments, the criticizing partner may begin to feel alone during discipline situations. This is incredibly tough, and taking time to understand the values and experiences at play becomes essential, as well as knowing your cycle.
5 Ways to Become a Connected Parenting Team
There are many factors that impact our parenting choices, making it challenging to get on the same page. Here are ways to explore why we have those choices and values, and how to navigate this as a team:
Understand and Share Your Childhood Experiences: One of the main tenets shaping our parenting philosophy is our own childhood experience. Whether positive or painful, our relationships with our environment, caregivers, and other adults create the foundation for how we parent today. Here are questions you can ask one another:
What are ways you were supported that were beneficial, and how do you want to implement that with our children?
What experiences caused you pain that you want to be different for our kids?
How did you feel about your community growing up? What do you want to keep or change for our children?
Know Your Cycle and When It Needs Addressing: Learn to recognize your patterns and when you're starting to feel disconnected. Are you getting shorter with each other? Is one of you hesitant to speak up? Are your kids playing good cop, bad cop? These might be signs it's time to check in about how each of you is feeling. Can you dig deeper into what feels important when you're getting short? How can you create reparative moments to reconnect?
Have Intentional Discussions About Milestone Topics: Each age brings new milestones—from potty training to playdates to navigating social media as teens. How can you take time for intentional conversations about these milestones before they arise? Sometimes parenting requires snap decision-making, but when you prepare for obvious milestones, it helps you get on the same page.
Find Parenting Areas of Overlap and Flexibility: Once you grasp your cycle, understand each other's parenting philosophy meaningfully, and know one another's views on milestone topics, identify where you align. How can you harness this alignment and present a united front? Where can you offer flexibility even if you disagree with their approach? Kids benefit from multiple parenting styles, as they'll encounter different approaches in the world.
Continue Creating Time for Your Relationship: This may seem obvious, but it's often the easiest thing to let slip. Taking intentional time to be a couple outside your parenting roles is crucial. Having time to refill your romance cup helps you return to your family as a more connected and united front. Schedule date nights whether at home or elsewhere that remind you of your relationship before kids.
EFT Therapy in Denver: Support for Building a Unified Parenting Approach
There is so much that is meaningful about parenting and growing a family with your partner. Yet during this transformative phase, staying attuned to each other can be challenging. Whether you're seeking to revitalize intimacy, prioritize your relationship, or navigate parenting differences, our team at Colorado Therapy Collective is here to support you.
Several therapists on our team specialize in working with parents and guiding couples through this unique life stage. Using Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), rooted in attachment theory, we help you and your partner develop deeper understanding and security in both your relationship and parenting styles.
Have questions? Reach out today, and someone from our intake team will connect with you for a complimentary 20-minute consultation to explore how we can help you thrive!
