Successful Enactments: Avoiding Common Pitfalls

How to guide enactments with more intention, containment, and follow-through

Whether you’re a new or seasoned EFT therapist, you know that enactments (or choreographed encounters) are at the heart of our model of change. Because EFT is an experiential model, helping clients have new experiences with each other in the therapy room is essential.

The basic recipe for an EFT enactment is laid out in what Sue Johnson called the EFT Tango:

1. You zero in on a moment in session or a recurring interactional pattern.

2. You do a deeper dive into one partner’s experience, mining for the more primary and tender elements.

3. You help them share a newer, more vulnerable, or less familiar part of that experience with their partner.

4. You get curious about what it was like to share in this different way, and how the partner experienced it.

5. You reflect back how this interaction was an exception to their usual cycle and/or highlight the strengths you observed.

Easy, right?

Ha. First, let’s ground ourselves in reality. As EFT couples therapists, we are lifelong learners. There will always be a skill to refine and a growth edge to lean into. I’ve been working on enactments for over a decade, learning from some of the best along the way, and I still sometimes absolutely flop.

Setting up enactments that consistently move the needle for couples is a complex skill. We’re holding the EFT roadmap in mind, tracking where a couple is headed next toward de-escalation or bonding, and translating our case conceptualization into live experience in session. At the same time, we’re trying to minimize reactivity and maximize receptivity and openness.

It’s a lot.

Below are two common pitfalls I see, and how to avoid them.

Pitfall 1: The Enactment Is Too Open-Ended

I often see therapists do beautiful emotional assembly with one partner, only to move into the enactment by saying, “Can you tell your partner about that?” What often follows is either an unfocused repetition of what was just explored, or a quick slide back into the client’s usual action tendency. In both cases, the tender heart of the experience gets lost.

Instead, be very specific about what you want them to share.

For example:
“Can you tell your partner just this part you shared with me, that you feel so anxious when you think you might let them down?”

Be ready to block if they veer off course or start adding more.
“Hold on. What you just said is really important, and I don’t want us to lose it.”

Pitfall 2: Not Closing the Loop

The power of enactments lies in taking one small slice of a complex interactional dance and making it understandable, and even empathizable (not a word, I know). When we allow too much information, too many tangents, or overly expansive responses, we dilute that power.

Instead, keep the share bite-sized, then get curious about how it lands with the receiving partner. Contain their response as well. There’s often a strong pull to explore everything that comes up for them, and while that material may be rich and important, it’s usually best bookmarked for later.

The focus, for now, is tight: the vulnerable share, the partner’s response, and how this interaction differs from the couple’s typical cycle.

If a block shows up for the receiving partner, that’s excellent material to return to in a separate tango or enactment. But first, close the loop.

In Practice

Do you recognize yourself occasionally (or frequently) falling into one of these pitfalls? If so, that’s actually good news. It means you’re setting up enactments at all. You’re doing experiential couples therapy, which already puts you ahead of the curve.

For your next week of sessions, consider focusing on just one of these pitfalls. Just as trying to do too much in a single enactment can cause us to lose the plot with couples, trying to work on everything at once as therapists often leaves us feeling scattered and discouraged.

Turn Intention Into Action

Confidence doesn’t always arrive with a bold entrance. Sometimes, it builds quietly, step by step, as we show up for ourselves day after day. It grows when we choose to try, even when we’re unsure of the outcome. Every time you take action despite self-doubt, you reinforce the belief that you’re capable. Confidence isn’t about having all the answers — it’s about trusting that you can figure it out along the way.

The key to making things happen isn’t waiting for the perfect moment; it’s starting with what you have, where you are. Big goals can feel overwhelming when viewed all at once, but momentum builds through small, consistent action. Whether you’re working toward a personal milestone or a professional dream, progress comes from showing up — not perfectly, but persistently. Action creates clarity, and over time, those steps forward add up to something real.

You don’t need to be fearless to reach your goals, you just need to be willing. Willing to try, willing to learn, and willing to believe that you’re capable of more than you know. The road may not always be smooth, but growth rarely is. What matters most is that you keep going, keep learning, and keep believing in the version of yourself you’re becoming.